


Left Behind

by birdienz



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-08-11 03:59:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7875301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdienz/pseuds/birdienz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three months after Jane has moved to work at the FBI and left everybody behind in Boston, she begins to write letters to Maura to tell her how she feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I’m not quite sure why I’m doing this, Jane pondered. Well, I do know but I just don’t want to say it._ After 3 months working with the FBI training recruits, Jane was missing her family back in Boston. Korsak, Nina, Frankie Ma, and especially Maura. Her best friend in the whole world and she left her behind. Now Jane has no one. _I mean, it’s not as bad as I make it out to be in my head. I’m just lonely. Maura and Ma and visited a few times in the beginning, but with Jane’s busy schedule and Maura’s hours at the clinic, Jane had never found time to go and visit Maura. Of course they skyped every week, but often when Maura would want to skype more than once, Jane would come up with  shitty excuses not to skype. In her mind, Jane knew she was being a coward. She didn’t want to skype Maura because seeing her reminded Jane of everything she had left behind._

Jane twirled the pen around between her fingers. Am I actually going to do this? _Just do it Jane. Don’t be a coward.  Just write the damn letter. It’s not like you’re going to send it anyway._

_Hey Maura!_

_How’s it going? Isn’t this crazy? Me, Jane Rizzoli, writing a letter to you. Of course I won’t send it, I’m just writing this for fun. I guess the reason why I’m writing you this letter is so I can tell ‘you’ stuff that I don’t have the courage to say myself. How are you going in Boston? How is the clinic? I hope you’re having a great time working there – I know you really love that job. Here things are getting pretty lonely. When I Skype you I pretend that I’m doing fine and that everything is great and I’m having a blast but truth be told I’m really struggling. I’ve always been one to struggle with my emotions, as you know I prefer to go with the bottling up everything approach. I just don’t want people to see me as weak. You never do though, which I think is why I’m writing you this letter. You know me the best of everyone. You know my weaknesses and you don’t pity me for my faults. I guess that’s why I trust you so much._

_God, Maura, I’m so lonely here. I need a good cry. Can you believe that? Me, Jane Rizzoli, admitting I needed a good cry. I feel like over the past seven or so years my tough exterior has really broken down. Sometimes I feel like a different person. I’m sure the old me would’ve been fine here, old Jane Rizzoli would’ve just picked herself up and moved on because the job is always the most important thing. But me now, looking back on the past few years I wish I hadn’t put the job first for some cases. All those times you wanted to do cool things with me like go to the night markets or go sailing or teach me fencing and I had work, I wish I had taken the time to go with you._

_Shit Maura. I freaking miss you. I thought it would be good for me to get away from everything in Boston – with everything that had happened there the ghosts had become too much. I wanted to get a fresh start but I’ve realised you can’t just pack up and leave. I thought I could – I really did but nothing in life is that easy. I wish you were here. Writing this all out makes me feel so small and weak and helpless, but just writing it all to you somehow makes it OK. Like no matter what life throws at me you’ll be there. I hope it never changes._

_Jane._

Jane folded up the letter and sealed it in an envelope, addressing it to Maura and then placing it inside the draw of her bedside table.

‘Jeez. I hope no one ever reads that.’ Jane said out loud. _What the actual hell Jane. Are you really that lonely that you’ve resorted to talking to yourself? Now that’s sad._

Jane switched on her phone to check the time. The picture of her and Maura at the airport flashed at her – her lock screen acting as yet another reminder. 8:50pm.

 _I could shower and go to bed. I really should. It’s been one hell of a day and the emotions are really crushing me right now. Nah, better to just forget about it all._ Jane walked into the kitchen and opened up the pantry, reaching for a bottle of wine. Jane had started drinking wine after she had left Boston, hoping that when she went back she could try and impress Maura with her extensive wine knowledge ( which wasn’t that extensive anyway). Jane changed her mind and went for the bottle of whiskey sitting at the bottom of the cabinet. These feelings require something stronger than wine to get rid of. Grabbing the bottle, Jane made her way into the living room, and plopped herself onto the couch.

_Shit. I forgot a glass. You know what. Screw it._

Jane raised the bottle into the air, ‘Screw it. Screw it all’. Writing that letter to Maura had made Jane feel something. Jane didn’t know what she was feeling, but she just wanted that feeling to go. _I guess I just must be missing Maura_. Jane swished the amber liquid around in the bottle. _Remember your father, Jane. Don’t end up like him. Oh yeah, like that’s going to happen. Sure’ I’ve been drinking a bit more than back at home but let’s be honest life here is kind of shit. Besides, a glass of wine every couple of nights isn’t even that much. OK, maybe there is that one night a week where the whole bottle goes but hey got to have some fun, right?_

Jane cracked open the cap on the whiskey and took a deep breath. _I mean, it’s not like I have work tomorrow anyway._ Sundays were Jane’s day off, something which she was eternally grateful for. She put the bottle to her lips and took a big sip. The liquid burned as it went down her throat, and she took a second swallow as the liquid started to make its way back up. _Don’t tell me you can’t even hold your liquor anymore. Pathetic. Remember those drinking competitions you and Maura used to have. Ah, those were the good old days._ Jane felt something wet on her face. _Did I spill whiskey on my face? How the hell did I manage that? Hey Maura, I must be defying some kind of law, right?_ Jane wiped away the drop just as another one fell on her hand. _Holy shit. Is this coming from my eyes? Am I crying? Surely not._ The last time Jane had cried was after Frost’s funeral. She didn’t even cry when she said goodbye to everyone at the airport. Just bottled it up and kept moving. But now, that letter must’ve unscrewed the lid. She put the whiskey down. She didn’t need it. _Time for bed. Let’s just keep those tears down and go to sleep._ Jane started to make her way to the bedroom but before she got there, everything that had happened over the past three months just hit her all at once. Every emotion she had bottled down, every memory she had tried to forget just hit her like a punch to the gut and she doubled over, sliding down the wall onto the cold ground. Being here, on the ground, make Jane feel like she has just lost a fight – feeling weak and helpless, the coldness from the ground seeping into her veins. She thought back to something Maura had once told her, _‘You know what Jane? Sometimes it is OK to feel helpless and weak. It’s OK to feel like the whole world is caving in on you. It’s part of life. Don’t fight it. Sometimes we have to let ourselves be broken right down to the very foundations in order to piece ourselves back together. As long as we get back up. That doesn’t make you weak. That makes you stronger that someone who will struggle their whole life not being able to accept everything that has happened’._

By now the tears were streaming down her face.

Jane pulled her knees up to her chest, put her face down, and sobbed.


	2. Chapter 2

The lock to Jane’s apartment clicked open and Jane quickly came through the door. _Shit. How the hell did that happen_ she asked herself _._ She glanced over at the clock. 10:43pm. _What the hell Jane. You have class tomorrow._

_‘_ Oh my god. Shit! I’m such an idiot!’ Jane angrily said to herself as she kicked off her shoes. One of them flew off and hit the wall with a rather heavy thud. _Ah shit. Well congrats Jane. Continuously damaging property._ As she huffed over to pick up the shoe, her eyes flickered over to the desk where her writing stuff from last night was still out. _No Jane_ she told herself. _That was a one off. Why do you feel the need to continue to write letters to Maura? Because she’s a lot damn easier to talk to than having this god awful conversation in my head right now. But do you really want to do this? After tonight? You just don’t know what you might end up writing._ And as Jane came to the decision that writing another letter to Maura might actually not be a great idea – because who actually writes letters to their best friend and never sends them anyway, Jane found herself sitting at the desk, reaching for her pen. _Well then. Apparently my subconscious had a slightly different plan._ The past 24 hours, since the last time Jane had written to Maura had probably been the most eventful in the time that she had been there – what a sad life. _Where even to start?_

 

_Hey Maura! It’s me again. Well obviously you know it’s me. I’m not really sure why I’m writing to you again. Well, I know why I’m writing to you again but I don’t know why. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. I don’t even know._

_Today I went out with Agent Davis. I didn’t really want to see anybody today, but I felt like you would’ve encouraged me to get out there and have some fun because maybe it would lighten my spirits and make my time here a bit easier. Besides you always told me that Agent Davis was kind of good looking? So I thought that there was going to be a group of us there, but when I got to the bar it was just him. Apparently his friends has ditched him. I’m sure they did. The little shit was cunning – I’ll give him that._

_And we were just sitting there talking and it was all good and I was truly having a good time but I just… I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know a lot of things these days. The thing is, Agent Davis is a really great guy. He’s funny and he’s smart and he is so kind and he can take care you himself, and I feel like there should be something more there but there isn’t. I don’t feel anything in that sense. And I feel like I should feel something. The thing that really gets me is that when we were sitting there, chatting and I looked at him, I couldn’t help but think what would it be like if you were sitting there instead. And I thought back to all those times at the Dirty Robber when we went and got drinks and how natural and good that felt, and sitting there, chatting with Agent Davis, gave me the feeling like I was a fish out of water.  And he kept telling me all this stuff and, don’t get me wrong, we were having amazing conversations, but I kept thinking about you. I guess I just must be feeling really homesick right now._

_Last night I had a little break down. Ok, it wasn’t so little. It’s so weird that I’m telling you this, because even thinking about mentioning to someone that I feel just a little bit lonely makes me feel ashamed but it is just so damn easy to tell you about all this crap. I guess because you have seen me at my worst – you’ve been with me through Hoyt, helped me get through Frost’s death, Alice Sands, and I’m not that afraid for you to see me so broken anymore. I cried Maura. I genuinely cried. And it felt so awful but so good at the same time - to finally let everything out. When I woke up this morning, my eyes were so red and puffy and I hardly recognised myself. Some days, I stand in front of the mirror and try to find the old Rizzoli, hoping that she is in there somewhere. Being here feels like a part of me is missing , and the whole time I’ve been trying to work out why I feel like that when last night it suddenly hit me. It’s you. I guess I can admit that some days, when life really sucked, knowing that I would have your shoulder to lean on made getting through those days just that little bit easier. You and I, we were always a team, you know? Dr Isles and Detective Rizzoli. Rizzoli and Isles. Shit, this is hard to say, but I really do miss our dynamic, what we had. That kind of friendship is irreplaceable and I’m worried that I’m going to lose what we have._

_Jane._

Jane read over what she just wrote. _Wow. Where did that even come from? Is that actually how I feel. What do I even feel? What even… No, Jane. Just seal the damn letter and forget about it. Tomorrow things will go back to normal._ The reassurance that Jane was offering herself was not reassuring. Something was niggling away at her and she couldn’t pinpoint what it was. It was damn frustrating.   _Shower. A shower will clear your head._ Jane hopped up and headed towards the bathroom, the cold tiles sending shivers through her feet. Jane flicked the shower nob on to hot and waited until steam started to fill the shower before hopping in. As the warm water cascaded down her back, drenching her thick black hair, Jane couldn’t help but wonder, w _hy am I so confused right now? I don’t understand why everything is like this._ All Jane wanted to do was scream. Scream until everything went away, until all her thoughts made sense. _Maybe I should just call her. That’s probably the problem. I just haven’t called Maura in a while._

Jane turned the shower off. _Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will call Maura._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So I was thinking of maybe heading towards a bit more of an actiony intense thing – let me know if you think this is a good idea or if I should just keep it more at this pace :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've updated! Things have been pretty crazy but I promise to update more frequently!

 

Jane pulled her long hair back into a messy bun as she sat down at the desk. As she reached over to grab a pen and paper, her eyes flickered towards the half empty packet of envelopes sitting on the corner of her desk. _Holy Shit_ she thought as she mentally counted them up. _I can’t believe I’ve actually been doing this. Writing letters to Maura._ It had been two weeks since her mini breakdown after she wrote the first letter and she had written a letter every day since. Jane had almost started to look forward to being able to end the day, come back and write to Maura about all the things she could never say. _14 letters. Holy shit Jane. That’s a shit ton of envelopes. Maybe if you just called…._ Jane sighed. She still hadn’t called Maura. Still hadn’t found the courage to. And she hated herself for it. It weighed on her every day. _I want to,_ she told herself over and over. _Well why don’t you? It’s not that straight forward! Yes it is; just pick up the phone and dial her number. You don’t even need to dial her number – she’s on speed dial anyway. Yes, but… It’s really not that complicated Jane. You don’t understand. Of course I understand you idiot – you’re having a conversation with yourself inside your head so yes, I think I do understand._

_‘Ugh, why does it have to be this complicated,’_ Jane shouted at the desk.  Jane twirled the pen around in her fingers. _Why am I struggling so much about this?_ Jane put the pen to the piece of paper she had out, pushing down hard.

 

_Hey Maura._

_It’s been really nice writing to you these past couple of weeks, not that I was actually writing you ‘you’ but you know. And I am glad that you won’t get to read some of these letters because I feel like it would change the way you see me. Honestly, it’s changed the way that I see myself. Which is why this will be my last letter for a while. I know that I’m a coward for not phoning you, yet. I tried, I really did, but every time that I picked up the phone and dialed your number I just couldn’t go through with it. After so long, so much waiting, I couldn’t bring myself to hear the disappointment in your voice. Knowing that I’ve let you down haunts me every day. I am so sorry._

Jane swallowed down a lump in her throat.

_I’m sorry Maura. I’m sorry I let you down, that I never called or visited. I’m sorry I was such a coward.  You know that I would die protecting you from anything bad, but right now the only thing I can think of is that it’s me that’s hurting you. I’m sorry I’m a crappy friend, if I even deserve that title right now._

_I’m so lucky to have you as a friend, you mean the world to me._

_I’m sorry._

_Jane._

Jane looked over what she had just written. The realization of what was on that page hit her like a truck. _Holy crap._ _I need to get some air._ Jane flung open the door to her apartment and ran outside. It was pouring with rain and Jane was hardly dressed for the occasion but she couldn’t care less. _Isn’t this what you always do anyway? Run away from all your problems?_  Jane kept running. Running, as far away as she could go.

The cold rain seeped through her clothes; her hair drenched and hanging in long black curls down her back. She slowed down. _Where the shit am I? Oh crap._ A burning sensation started in her stomach and rose up through her throat. Jane managed to make it to the nearest bush before the turmoil of what had been the past couple of weeks came up. _How the hell did I end up here._ Jane pondered over that though; did she mean here as in the middle of the bush at night or here as in the disastrous moment in her life. _Well, I really fucked up this time didn’t I?_ Jane moved over to the nearest tree and slid down till she was sitting on the wet ground. Jane looked up into the dark night sky, lighting up every so often with a flash of lightning. Jane remembered all of her runs with Maura. That one time she rolled her ankle and had to play it cool with Martinez. The time she was actually dragging Maura along after she donated her kidney. Maura, who had donated a kidney to a half-sister she hardly knew. Maura, who was so selfless and kind and compassionate. _Maura deserved the world and instead got me as a crappy friend who couldn’t even see what was in front of her._ Jane thought back to the last time she saw Maura, and what she said.

_‘Jane. Promise me one thing’_ , _Maura had called out as Jane started making her way to board the plan._

_‘Sure, anything.’ Jane replied, wondering what on earth could be so important that the usually composed Maura would feel the need to blurt out._

_‘Please, don’t forget about me’, said Maura._

_‘Of course I won’t! I’ll phone you and I’ll be visiting so don’t you worry’. Jane looked back at Maura who had a puzzled look in her eyes, like she was waiting for Jane to do something of say something. Maura opened her mouth to speak just as the final boarding call came over the loud speaker. Taking one last look at Maura, she headed off._

Jane let out a sob. Back then, Maura’s words had made no sense, but now the feeling that she was losing Maura was all too real. Of course, most of her memories were still clear in her mind, but some of the smaller things, little details as such, were becoming distant; cloudy. _I don’t want to forget._

_I promise I won’t forget._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry I haven't posted anything in ages! It's been pretty hectic. Anyway this is kind of a different chapter and it takes a bit of a different path towards the end - so let me know if you guys like where this is heading! :)

Jane groaned as her alarm clock beeped loudly, drawing her away from her much needed sleep. Having gotten back into her apartment rather late last night, soaking wet and cold, Jane wanted nothing more than to stay wrapped up in the warm covers; to crawl under them and forget about life. But no, she had a class of recruits to teach. _Yay. Recruits. The fun ones. Not. Cheerful, naïve, recruits who don’t know how mean life can be. I like my job, sure, but now that I’ve settled in and the glossiness has worn off, well, sometimes it can be a bit of a drag. You know what would make this day better? Phoning Maura._ Jane groaned and rolled over in bed. Yes, she wanted to phone Maura, but could she? Well not now, considering she had slept through three alarms and was pushing her punctuality right this moment. _Later,_ she told herself. _Today_.

Hopping up, she chucked on her ‘ _Rizzoli_ ’ uniform; a dull colored t-shirt and a pantsuit. Jane liked to be adventurous. Looking up at the clock beside her bed, the bright numbers flashed at her 06:57.

_Shit._

‘ _Agent Rizzoli. Glad to see you could make it today, considering you are the teacher of our class.’_

_Kyle. What a dumbass dickhead. What I would give to get some tape and shut him the hell up._

_‘Thank you Kyle. Just knowing that I get to see your smug baby face in the morning gives me the strength to get here,’_ Jane shot back at him, earning a few snickers from the other recruits. Jane had a moderately good class. Of course there were the arrogant know-it-alls – Jane hated them. _Damn, they really piss me off. If Maura were here, she would know what to do to get them in line. Maura._ Jane swallowed. _As soon as I’m finished teaching this lot, I am going to phone her._

The hours passed by slowly, each time the minute hand ticked over, a new wave of nausea flooded through Rizzoli. _Damn right I’m nervous. There’s no knowing how Maura is going to react._

As the class drew to a close, and the recruits filed out, Jane knew that she had two options. _Well I could go and get some food, because I hate these 2.5 hour classes._ Then there was the slightly scarier option. _I could phone Maura. All I need to do is step outside, find a spot, and phone._ Jane took a deep breath in. _Can I do this?_

Jane stepped outside, breathing in the crisp morning air, and walked to a private area in the courtyard.  She looked down at her phone.

9:43am.

_That should give me enough time to say what I want to say before my next class starts at 10am. Well, what do I want to say?_ Jane knew damn well what she _wanted_ to say, but she knew that required a very long conversation. _You’ve been over his a million times, Jane. Pull yourself together. Just breathe._ She hit dial and held the phone up to her ear.

The phone rang. And rang. And rang, before finally going to voicemail.

Jane tried again. The same thing happened. This time, Jane decided to leave a voicemail.

 

_‘Hey Maura, it’s me, Jane. I was really hoping to get to speak to you but I guess you’re busy. Um, I’m really not sure where to start. I guess the main thing is, I’m really sorry I haven’t called or texted. I really hope you can forgive me. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking over the past few weeks, actually I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about you, and I haven’t been able to find the courage to pick up the phone and call you. There’s something I need to tell you Maura. And I know you’re probably pissed at me, and you have every damn right to be, but if you’re willing to hear me out, well, just please give me a shot to explain.”_

A lump started forming in her throat. _Shit, shit. There are too many people around Rizzoli, don’t start crying for god sake. At least get to a damn bathroom._

 

Rushing through the bustling corridors, Jane managed to make her way into a relatively private bathroom. Having gone exploring – as you do – in her early days at the academy, Jane had labelled this reasonably concealed bathroom as her ‘In case of Emotions’ bathroom. Leaning heavily against the cubicle walls, Jane knew that this was it. _I screwed up. I missed my chance. I had so many damn chances and I screwed up. Maura was the one good thing in my life and I screwed her around until she was gone. Shit, I’m such an idiot. Nope, no crying. I’ve got class in 10 minutes. Pull yourself together Jane. Work now, emotions later._ Unlocking the cubicle, Jane walked out, and practically straight into a young recruit.

‘Oh shit, sorry, um, didn’t see you there sorry’ the girl squeaked. ‘Sorry, sorry. Really sorry Agent Rizzoli!’

Jane looked at the girl. Although she was trying to avoid eye contact, Jane assumed she was here for the same reason Jane was. The girls eyes were tinged red and still slightly misty. Jane figured this was probably what she looked like too. _Crap. What was her name? First year recruit. Young, excited, cheeky, but definitely willing to put in the effort. Jane like this girl._

‘Maggie!’

‘Um, yes?’ Maggie looked at Jane fearfully, with Jane realising that her vocalised excitement of remembering the girl’s name was probably quite terrifying.

‘Oh shit, sorry Maggie. Are you ok?’

“Are you?” Maggie shot back, challenging the former detective’s question.

_Damn this girl is smart. She’s going to make a great Agent one day._ Jane smiled at her as she moved towards the exit, but just as she opened the door, a series of screams echoed along the walls, sending chills up Jane’s spine. Seconds later, a series of gunshots sounded, from where, Jane had no idea. Slowly shutting the bathroom door, Jane knew exactly what was happening.

Jane remembered back to the hostage situation at the precinct, her hand instinctively moving towards the scar from the gunshot. _Danny, Frankie, Maura. The young witness._ Jane glanced over at Maggie who was looking at Jane, completely terrified. _This time,_ Jane thought. _This time I’ll protect her. I couldn’t save the witness but I’ll damn well make sure I save her._

More gunshots. The lights overhead flickered, before switching off. _Don’t panic Jane. The emergency lights will activate any second now. Any second…_ The dark is a scary place. Jane felt lost. Disorientated. _No, you have to stay strong. Keep it together._ She felt as if an invisible hand was reaching towards her neck, slowly tightening its grip. _Just breathe Jane, breathe._ But Jane couldn’t breathe. She remembered the panic from the hostage standoff at the precinct. Seeing Frankie on the table. Maura trying to save him. Almost being shot in the stairwell. Leaving the witness. Being dragged away from Maura. The barrel of the gun pressed up against her, and the feeling that she might die. Back then, Jane never appreciated what she had to loose. But now, she didn’t want to die. She couldn’t die. She couldn’t die without talking to Maura. Telling her the truth. The grip got tighter. Jane felt tears streaming down her cheeks. _I can’t fight this. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I don’t think I have enough fight left in me._

The emergency lights blinked on, lighting up the bathroom dimly. The grip loosened and Jane gasped for breath, making eye contact with Maggie as she did. _Shit Jane, you’re doing a damn great job of inspiring confidence right now._

Although she could now breathe, Jane felt paralyzed from fear. _How the hell am I supposed to protect Maggie if I can’t even get up?_

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work so bear with me and let me know what you think :)


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